last days

you know, the odd thing about all these lasts is how they creep up on you. i can imagine it'd be a little like that on death row. you know, youre sitting around waiting, kinda hoping there'll be some sort of miracle, or that walt disney'll show up and get you out with one quick song-n-dance extravaganza, then all of a sudden youre on your last meal, last sleep, last breath, and so on. for us its our last house meeting, last week, last holidays, last time in winter uniform. it creeps over you as a nostalgic, melancholic mist that you cant escape from.

you sit in chapel and for the first time in years your not thinking about the next time you'll have to be there. youre not falling asleep to the sound of father p chanting while performing a reiki healing and walking over a bed of coals/nails. the smell of limestone is no longer just making the room seem colder, and for maybe the first time you really notice how beautiful the place is. and how calm. i went down the other day and wrote for the last, and the first time in that book of prayers they have by the alter. it felt kinda fitting, almost a symbollic apology for all these years of refusing to say the grace, or the times ive skipped chapel. all i wrote was, 'pray for me'. it was such a very melodramatic thing to write, but somehow, it did feel right.

i have my last locker inspection on wednesday. which means tomorrow is the last time ill have to wade in to that endless black hole of scrunched notes and broken pencils and dust and such. the last time i have to sneak into the library to return the mountains of books i find within my locker.

and whats after that? my last st hildas day, my last set of school exams, my last speech night. last last last. and it seems that only now in this universe of finality i'm beginning to see how much i will truly miss it all. theres a certain irony in that i think.

but with that feeling comes the feverishly intense desire to seize the day. this spirit of carpe diem comes as a welcome refreshment from the teenage apathy so often surrounding and engulfing, shows the desire to be oneself, rather than simply looking like it. while i was sitting in that cool, calm building that is sthildas chapel, i was thinking more deeply than ever i normally would about certain lines in certain poems. one struck me as not only beautiful, but relevant;

thus, though we cannot make our sun

stand still, yet we will make him run

the metaphysicals may not have had alot that we do nowadays, but they sure as hell knew how to phrase things.

and with that i think i shall go and study for those impending last exams, and enjoy it too, for the first time. i'll go and make use of these last hours, in the last days.
wish me luck,
rani