the great grey eminence of it all

nothing is a sadder picture than an overprivileged teenage girl crying so hard her ribs hurt. which is what im doin right now. and spent pretty much my whole saturday doing. i have found a sure and certain way to make me cry hysterically with little or no provocation. play counting crows four white stallions and lie in bed feeling sorry for myself. the worst part really lies in the fact that i have nothing to cry about. my life is pretty darn good. i mean, im not starving, or being shot at, or garrotted by my own countrys army. im not dying, or mentally disturbed (well, not in any really bad ways) or deeply in debt or anything. i dont even have any really pathetic reasons. i dont even know why i do it. the only thing that i can conclude is that i like dwelling on my own self pity. i think its my own sense of complete apathy and separation that brings this on. it scares me that i dont seem to give a damn anymore. its scary when you suddenly dont know and dont have a plan after a lifetime of complete assurance. its even scarier to find that you dont care that you dont have a plan or even that youre scared.

anyhow, i am gonna go find myself a glass of juice, get myself back together

too roo