the litte things that matter

in my life it is the little things that matter. i have no respect for big things, big things are dangerous. big things steal something from you, that you can never regain, that you will most likely never miss, or if you do you will write it off as the fallout of growing up. its not innocence of which i speak, its that indefinable sense of wonder in the world, lost as things become commonplace. when the big and important comes up, the little things seem less valid somehow. its all overtaken in guilt, or remorse, or joy, or those emotionswe feel we cant escape from.

dear reader, if in fact you exist, can you join me in the appreciation of the wonder that was? i think not. not unless you too are like me, trapped in an inner cannister of glass from which i look out and fake emotions. im a good faker, better even than that guy who pretended to be stanley kubrick. it is this which only the damaged, like me, can appreciate. or even want to understand. this may seem somewhat self indulgent, or self pitying, or just generally wallowing, but i dont care. you can all take your opinions and get f***ed. those of you who get what im talking about, its you im talking to, noone else. the rest of you can get bent

mine

i wanted to be so sure. i wanted to be so certain and so right. bu i fell as lucifer fell, i tumbled to earth, a a grinning, burning body. the charm faded, and left the skull.

i want to blame you all. you ruined me, you blighted me, you expected and refused and ditched me. you left me bruised you confused you disorriented.

i want perspective on my life. i want to watch it in a movie, where the dramatic irony hurts but instructs. i want to watch me on a screen and say 'that girl is in trouble'. above all i dont want to be the girl left screaming 'how could i be so stupid, why me?'

i love to hurt, but i hate to feel hurt. i love to cry, but i hate to feel that i have to.

i would love to leave, and leave i will, but i will hate myself for doing it.

dont comment on this one, please dont, i have my own thoughts here, i dont need yours

serendipity

i meant to try so hard. really i did. and i slipped even more than before and disappointed even myself.

ah well, what can ya do

no sex no rock no drugs.

and as it stands, takingstock, it is a brand new day. i am a woman named gregori. i am also an ape names schnuckles. this conflation of the self impedes me. but never quite discouages the sense of schnucklish goodness. and what goodn3ess! my oh my my pretties there are shnuckles dripping down me. so shoot me already...no...please....

it's not a very nice brand new day. like trhe second day after creation - lame. i prefer monday myself. no, wait. pre-monday. pre-creation is better. i prefer to become a secretary with a crooked smile and penchant for raw tomato. but we'll settle for serendipity.

serendipity, for those not perceptive enough to realise, is a fabulous day-word. only used fordays of crazy killers-drawl. the killer awoke at dawn, and said i'm bored of you all. get lives.